Decidedly Obscure Human Complaints.

… is synonymous with trauma.

The corner of queer-ville I’ve resided in for these past 29 years has not been the host of many weddings. I think a total of… oh, three? None of which included my being invited to a bachelorette party - until Friday night.

My adorable friend, Nicole, recently took a trip to New York to marry her same-sex partner. They had a ceremony shindig there. Then another shindig of some romantic sort in Phoenix with family. And then a reception with friends here last night, in Utah.

But, before said reception, a bachelorette party was planned for Nicole. A bachelorette party including her male + female bridesmaids, queers galore with oh, maybe two heterosexual-identified? Anyway, this party included a male stripper - in a police outfit which very swiftly became a tiny thong g-string situation. Given the fact that Nicole is as queer as they come, watching her sweat and grimace under the wrath of a grinding male stripper had me smiling, laughing and hooting for an hour straight. My throat and face still hurt (which could also be partially attributed to waking up on the slightly sick side of the coughy phlegmy bed).

The fun and games didn’t last forever. As the whirlwind of male strippage ensued and he had people laying on their backs beneath him with strawberries in mouths and whipped cream (vegan, of course), someone started to chant my name. “Dexter! Dexter!”. Nicole hopped on the band wagon fast, and next thing I knew there I was on my back on the hard, wooden floor with a strawberry in my mouth.

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Onwards to my delayed Day 6 of this grueling and obnoxious 30 day task that my frenemy, Aaron, duped me into joining him on. Speaking of Aaron - yesterday him and I went out to Provo (just to give you an idea - Provo is the hub of Brigham Young University, which is a private college operated by the LDS Church and home to their largest missionary training center. Oooo…) to explore a potential top surgeon. Some time ago he had called around to various plastic surgeons in Utah asking who would be willing to do top surgery - and this guy said yes.

So he asked me to join him and off we went. After a lot of driving, a lot of blonde, and exiting the room once the surgeon wanted to take boob photos, the experience was a really positive one. The staff were all really careful to use masculine pronouns with him, expressed support, asked how he preferred to spell his name for their records, etc. We were both impressed - up until the price. Almost $8,000 dolla! Despite the risk of being this doctor’s first-time FTM patient, that’s about the same rate that Dr Michael Brownstein charges who super knows his shit after doing FTM top surgeries for a gazillion + 1 years (and lives in expensive-as-fuck San Francisco). So yeah, despite their friendliness, I think Aaron might be passing on that one.

Hopefully the company that Aaron works for will switch his health insurance from trans-exclusive United Healthcare to trans-inclusive Aetna who would be much more likely to cover his surgery.

Moving on - here is the introduction to today’s task:

Today we’re going to focus on one of those “small” things: our resume. I don’t know everyone’s story out there, but I’m sure many of you are looking for work. And having an updated, sharp looking resume is an essential part of networking like a man.

Workity schmorkity. I’m living the spoiled and plush student working on campus and living with my parents life these days who needs not fret over such things (unlike the time I was laid off and, despite trying to stay optimistic about it for about a month, spiralled into a hopeless-everything-felt-insurmountable super scary sad place for a bit there). Bad economy =’s no bueno.

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So yesterday I go to the coffee shop out in a mega-sprawled suburban area to study with my pOps and friend, Gina (better known as “the baum”). While bringing water to the pup, I notice a.) a scenester fixed gear bicycle that is b.) pretty cute:

But, in a classic tale of appearances can be deceiving, upon closer inspection I notice the following:

Right under “Real Men Love Jesus”, which is… ya know, all fine n’ good and interesting and all that. But then, on the other side:

Ohmygawd. I think we just found a real life Landover Baptist!

One needn’t look any further than Christ’s words to see that so-called “vegans” are nothing more than sorcerers and demons, mocking God while spitting on His Son’s final supper. They know God loves meat and has ordered us to eat as much of it as we can.

Er, ahem, for real though - creepy. I scurried back inside post haste and my dad couldn’t resist taking these photos of said Landover Baptist bicycle.

Oh, not-downtown-Utah. Whhhyyyy.

By the way, I loved Harvey Katz (aka “Athens Boys Choir”) at Mestizo Cafe last night. He bounced back and forth between spoken word poetry and songs like Tranny Got Pack and Fagette. Lots o’ gaggle o’ faggle fun, for sure. My friend, Aaron, arrived with a finger puppet he’s named “Pirate Pete” who he has since created a Facebook fan page for to fill with mountains of beyond worthless Pirate Pete adventure photos. Oy.

On another beyond worthless Aaron-related note, he has asked me to join him on a ridonkulous “Be a Better Man in 30 Days” excursion, created by this Art of Manliness blog.

Wow. Of course - I can’t resist. We start tomorrow.

Oh what the frak! I just noticed that my little “comment” situation was broken! It is fixed now, though. Dag nabbit. 

Anyway, last night’s benefit for my top surgery was a SUCCESS. Not just as a fundraiser, but as a super schnazzy fun dancy good time, too! There was an awesome turn-out right from the 8:30pm get-go of a whole slew of adorable peeps. I yapped so much throughout the night that, now, my voice is a barely audible raspy think-smoker-of-40+-years mess.

Meanwhile, while I spent time social whoring it out, friends set up a super pimp display of raffle prizes and then rotated throughout the night at a table outside to ask for donations and to sell the tickets AND inside walking from person to person. Even some of my more reserved friends stood up to uncomfortably pander for raffle sales. Awww!

Dia Diabolique from Slippery Kittens Burlesque came to perform on her only day off, which was so insanely sweet of her. Is it wrong that my noggin imprinted the moment where she tore her skirt off and threw it towards me as one of my favorite and most memorable of the entire evening?

Afterwards, my chum Jesse, the President of TransAction Utah, performed “Tranny Got Pack” from Athens Boys Choir in an adorable little boy scout outfit with his “dancers” holding large, cardboard phallic cut-outs. He was subsequently swooned over and fondled by Princess Kennedy.

And then Bo, another adorable qenderqueer bud, performed. Earlier a group of us had gone into crisis mode searching the club high and low for Bo. “Find Bo!”, Princess Kennedy told me, “Performances start in five minutes!” I checked every nook and cranny of that place - including some obscure back room-around-about-upstairs area, the bathrooms, hallways, every where! … finally, at long last, I found Bo’s co-performer and friend, Renae, and asked, “Have you seen Bo? I can’t find him ANYWHERE!” Suddenly, the blonde girl next to Renae turned around. After a brief cognitive delay, it clicked. That blonde chick was Bo! In blonde chick disguise! Uh, perfect much? And, of course, her performance along with Renae, Marie, and Dallas was the most transtastic ever.

Anyway, I had so much fun. So much that my measly grandpa back is all achy today and I feel like hobbling around with a cane. I blame DJ Lucky Date - it’s just, impossible not to dance, dance, and dance some more. Oh, and feel hung over, even though I don’t drink. In the end, we raised $91 on Paypal, $939 through the raffle, and $60 more through the sale of VIP tickets! Which brings me to $4,690 of the $5,479 I need by August 11th. Which is excellent, because I can definitely save up the remaining $788 by then! Do-able!

Thank you to Jeffrey Hacker and The Metro for setting this up, Princess Kennedy for her mic prowess, to all of the performers and everyone who put so much effort into garnering prizes… and to my friends who did the raffle all night at the event (especially Jude and Brenda!), and for everyone who came and bought raffle tickets!!!!! And, of course, to all of the businesses and friends who donated and helped to promote - who, of course, for donating to my fundraiser, deserve kudos and acknowledgement galore:

Illustrated Life Tattoo, Cathedral Tattoo Co, Velo City Bags, Cafe Marmalade, Cake Walk, Caffe D’Bolla, Mina Essence, Athena’s Choice, Junction City Roller Dolls, Jahred Knight and Crystal Pistol for their awesome art, Naked Waxing & Studio, Joni Weiss massage, That Guy Gil … just off the top of my head. If I forgot anyone, please let me know! I’ll add more as I recover, eat, and get remnants of my brain back!

THANK YOU EVERYONE! 

I actually, finally, fo’ real real (and not fo’ play play) have a 5 o’ clock shadow. I’m not quite sure when it appeared as, out of sheer laziness in the personal hygiene department throughout last semester, I didn’t shave much. But in a spontaneous fit of I’m-shaggy-and-can’t-take-it-anymore!!! hysteria I ran to the barber and forked over $15 to get all hair cut dappered out. At some point the barber inquired, “Are you growing a beard?”, to which I replied, “Not intentionally. I just kinda haven’t shaved.” Taking that as a green flag to buzz my face, next thing I knew my facial hair was gone - and stubble remained. 5 o’ clock shadow stubble! I can’t stop admiring it. 

In other news, this “Sex in the Brain” class I’m in has been interesting fun galore. Especially the part (so far) where we’ve learned about testosterone receptors in the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for things like aggression and fear. Something I’ll be blogging about soon, but finally, after over 2 years of hormone therapy and despite my skepticism that this would ever happen, I’ve been.. for lack of a better description, roid-raging. More explanation later. Anyway, since I’d helped the same professor for this class put together a trans panel for another class last semester, she asked me to help put together a couple of panels for this class, too (she teaches two different sections of the same class) - one of which I’ll be in any way. 

It’ll be interesting, to walk into class on the last day and, instead of taking a seat with the class as I usually do, to sit down in front of the class with the two other panelists, “Oh hey chums! I’m a panelist today!”

So tomorrow is my big “benefit party” to get the rest of the mula I need for my top surgery (scheduled August 11th!) which will be at a local club in downtown Salt Lake City called The Metro. I’m excited for it - and also really, really overwhelmed by and grateful for how insanely supportive everyone has been. I’m not listing names because, that’ll just get ridiculous real fast - but thank you to everyone who helped organize this … everyone who has agreed to perform, my friend who found the venue in the first place, and my friend at The Metro who allowed use of the venue (and booked DJ Lucky Date that night and helped organize!), to everyone who has spent days and hours gathering raffle prizes, helping to promote… and in-advance thanks for my friends who will be helping a bunch during tomorrow night and everyone attending - … just, whoa.

You’re all really appreciated.  I’m moved beyond words - and also excited to have, ya know, a good excuse for a really fun dancy dance tranimal party with a bunch of my adorable friends and awesome people!

I can’t wait to run amok topless. And to date again. And to go to the gym. And bicycle without binding. And to feel the HUGE self-esteem boost. And, and and. 

Today was day two of the Food Network’s The Great Food Truck Race’s presence here in Salt Lake City, Utah (premiering in August). I learned about this whole shindig due to the fact that one of these trucks, Seabirds, is all vegan. They were parked outside of a local coffee shop all day yesterday and had lines galore. We were told they would be there all day today, too.

Nope.

First I heard they were going to park outside of the coffee shop again. Then I heard they were going head-to-head with some other food truck at the downtown library. Then I heard they were heading to the coffee shop. Then heard from my father, “They were just at Coffee Garden, but now they’re driving to the library!”. And then, an hour later, “Now they’re leaving the library and heading to Pioneer Park.” Geez, competition! The trucks were thrown an unexpected curve ball and have to move every frickin’ hour. 

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Since turning my last paper for finals in last Tuesday at 5:59pm (due at 6:00pm) I have been celebrating with a Mass Effect (video game!), staying up late, pajamas, and 21 cans of Coconut Juice in bulk which my adorable parents purchased for me as a finals completion gift. Then last night, some friend took me to Scream 4 (so good!).

Then the celebratory cherry on top - this morning Erin, Andrew, and I caught wind that Seabirds, an all vegan food truck, is in Salt Lake City today and tomorrow! They are parked from noon-8pm in front of a local coffee shop called the Coffee Garden. This is part of The Food Network’s “The Great Food Truck Race” and in addition to their normal menu they’ll have lots of other great things as well like breakfast burritos and cheesy potatoes. This was their breakfast menu this morning:

I ordered the breakfast quesadilla, which was super delicious to the max. My friends ordered breakfast burritos and the “jerk jack fruit tacos”, which had an incredibly interesting taste. I’d never heard of jack fruit before, but it has this chicken-like texture, but with a sweet aftertaste. Mmm!

Fun. And then back to school May 2nd. I am taking an interesting neuroscience class called “Sex in the Brain” which, “Explores brain-based biological influences on gender and sexuality. Content will reflect current findings from psychology and the neurosciences. Topics covered will include similarities and differences between male and female brains, intersexed conditions, sexual attraction, and other issues pertinent to gender and sexuality. Applies to the Neurosciences/Experimental area of concentration.” - ooo! Spot on!