Brown-Nosing x’s 80 Million + 2

I fell head first into the stinky, deep dung pile of brown-nosing today. I never knew that brown-nosing could sink to such depths until my very first class of a brand new Fall semester this morning.

I don’t know how or when I turned into Dwight Shrute. It just … happened. Maybe it happened the first time I watched a Youtube video about Pearson Correlations. Maybe it was the first time I rode my bicycle over wet leaves and had an epic wipeout while trying to woo someone. Who knows when, where, or why - but, it happened.

Of course, as any diligent brown-noser would, I arrived on campus 30 minutes before class. I searched around for my classroom and then frolicked off to find ice for my water. On my way out of the building, down the stairs, and onwards to ice, I noticed someone with what appeared to be a really heavy rolling bag. I stopped and asked her, “Would you like help carrying this bag up those stairs?” Relieved, she told me yes. I carried the bag for her, then opened the doors. She thanked me, and off I went to resume Mission Ice in Cup.

After I found the ice, I returned to the classroom.

Low and behold, that person I helped was my new professor.

She noticed me sit down, and exclaimed, “You’re in my class!”, and then, to the class, “This young man helped me carry my bag up the stairs, and he didn’t even know who I was. What a great introduction to campus! Who says chivalry is dead?”

It was only slightly embarrassing - until it came up again later, when she mentioned pro-social behavior “Like Dexter’s!”.

But, that was only the tip of the brown-nosing shitberg. We participated in a get-to-know-one-another activity. Various students were asked random questions about themselves, and when I came up, she asked something along the lines of what I’m excited about lately. I don’t quite recall, but, out of honest reflex, I mentioned that I’m excited for next summer, when I’ll be moving to Maryland to intern for the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

As fast as the words came spewing out of my mouth, I realized how brown and runny each syllable was. But, there wasn’t any way I could slurp them all back in. They were out, in a big, sloppy, irreversible, carpet-soaked mess of inadvertent brown-nosing.

Oy vey. May as well accept it!


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