At the time.
I’d lived with the disconnect for way too long and prioritized my physical health at the expense of my mental health. So I crackled, popped, fizzled, and started. I had a full-time salary job with health insurance and plunged in. Therapist, letter, doctor, hormones - check! Then I began saving for top surgery. Then I was laid off. Job application after job application went nowhere. I was okay at first - but then, over time, I started to feel defeated and fell into a narrative of hopelessness. How would I save up for top surgery without money? How would I go in for much-needed physicals and check-ups without health insurance?
Going back to school prolonged my lack of having health insurance and being broke. When I forced myself into putting a donation button on this blog for my surgery, I really didn’t think it would go anywhere. But a little over two years and a very successful fundraiser later, I ended up with enough. I couldn’t believe it. Still don’t, almost. It happened! For real! I'm whole!
So, there I was in my pantaloons, realizing all of this and wondering, how did I ever feel like this was impossible and hopeless? I did start hormone therapy. I did find doctors. I did change my name and gender. I did go back to school. I did get surgery. I did find a world of support. And I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.