We are all "psychosexually neutral" says Dr.Money

This is a post of woe! But, on occasion, a post of woe is necessary and, to be honest, things have been a bit... complicated, these past few months. Even more complicated to accept and acknowledge, let alone attempt to articulate.

In a very compressed nutshell, it's becoming progressively more difficult with each new day to function without having had top surgery yet. I'm more easily triggered when I see/notice them and it can send me into a hopeless, seemingly insurmountable paralyzed plummet.

In 1952, a psychologist named John Money developed the 'theory of Gender Neutrality'; the still popular idea that gender identity develops primarily as a result of social learning from early childhood and could be changed with the appropriate behavioral interventions. To him, everyone was born "psychosexually neutral".

One day a little baby named David Reimer was born. By way of a medical accident at 8 months, his penis was burned beyond surgical repair. Worried about the gender development of their son, Reimer's parents brought their baby to Dr. Money.

As a guinea pig to demonstrate his oh-so-flawless theory, Dr. Money convinced the Reimer's that, without a penis, their son would never develop a solid male identity, would never be capable of normal sexual relations and would have to accept that he was forever destined to "live apart."

The solution Dr.Money proposed: Send their baby into surgery with testes and no penis to emerge castrated, his testes removed and scrotal sac refashioned to resemble female labia and genital folds. Now named Brenda, her parents were instructed to raise her just as one would any other little girl. Give her dolls to play with, dress her in dresses only and instruct her in all things feminine.

And with the correct genitalia and social rearing to boot, Brenda would live a happy, functional female life. She wasn't, Dr.Money asserted, intrinsically and physiologically hard-wired to be male-bodied. No one was. It's a social construct! Just watch!

Low n' behold, when Brenda started to struggle with her role and anatomy, she was then put through years of having a procession of doctors, social workers and councilors all aggressively harping on her to accept herself as a girl.

And despite all of this and without knowing her background, Brenda ended up going in for a mastectomy to remove the breasts grown while taking estrogen. He ends up going through painful procedures to fashion a rudimentary penis. He hides in the basement of his parent's house, watching television and waiting to emerge publicly as a male at age 14, fearing public ridicule.

At age 39, due to years of severe depression and financial instability, he committed suicide on May 5, 2004.

While this was happening, a feller named Milton Diamond and other researchers were questioning Money's assertion that human beings are born psychosexually netural, and that gender identity is formed through environmental interaction.

Other researchers had found plenty of evidence that other factors were involved, including hormone exposure during gestation, chromosomes and genes. They published results of studies which contradicted the views of Money and his followers.

But the research was ignored for a long time because Money's views were met with more acceptance by the medical community and the general public.

Thanks to his more scientific understanding of the underpinnings of one's physiological relationship to their sex and gender, Doctor Milton Diamond said,

"Reimer was forced to live a life that was not his own, was not of his making, not of his choice, in which every time he tried to assert himself, he was thwarted by the two forces which are supposed to be the most helpful in our lives - our parents and our physicians."

, and added,

"The sense of who one is... is a crucial existential aspect of humanity. It is powerful and inborn. The most important sex organ is the brain."

It's unfortunate to me that while there are many researchers learning about the vast spectrum of human complexity and variation -- many in the medical community and general public have a lot of core paradigms and biases that make such information difficult to accept. It seems to take both a long time to adapt to new information.

I wonder, growing up, why didn't I hear about studies showing that gender identity is actually a complex interaction between chromosomal, genetic, prenatal and postnatal endocrine influences and postnatal environmental influences? That the biology of sex is a lot more complicated than we're led to believe? I was always taught the outdated ideas of Dr.Money, and that the gender binary was IT - there are boys and girls, end of story. That men have XY chromosomes and women have XX. Adam and Eve. Procreation. End of story.

But wait, what's this about a gene called SRY on the Y chromosome that usually makes a fetus grow as a male? And that SRY can show up on an X, turning an XX fetus essentially male? Or that if the SRY gene doesn't work on the Y, the fetus develops essentially female? Or that an XY fetus with a functioning SRY can essentially develop female, in in the case of Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome?

Whoa! Uh, more to the picture, perhaps? A magical thing called variation, and not two hyper-polarized ends of a way-too-simplistic spectrum?

Or how about a guy I read about recently who appears male-typical, who was raised as a boy and identifies as a heterosexual. Then finds out, by way of some medical problems, that surprise! he has ovaries and uterus - a condition called Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, where the adrenal glands make so many androgens that even though a man can have XX chromosomes and ovaries, his body develops to look male-typical.

And wait, he's just ONE of MILLIONS of different types of "intersex" people, who are all lumped in the same box but are very vastly different from one another? And we don't even have language for it hardly and are pretty much just barely even acknowledging the existence of stuff like this in the medical community and general public?

Back to my own little personal predicament, there have been a slew of repercussions that have taken a toll on my self-esteem throughout my teenage and young adult development that are becoming more obvious with each new day; particularly with my inability to be touched by others, look at myself topless, constantly feeling like my body is foreign (which is becoming less so in other ways thanks to hormones), etc.

As an additional component, everything I've tried throughout the years to make top surgery a reality has been toppled somehow - like when I put school on the side-burner for three years to acquire a higher paying job with insurance and ultimately got laid off. It felt like I'd spent three years constructing a building, brick by brick and, when I was just three bricks away from the top, the entire thing collapsed.

I haven't been able to pursue relationships, fearing the fact that intimacy is very triggering and makes the reality of my body difficult to avoid. Yet, I see many people around me who are able to pursue relationships and experience intimacy with other human beings, despite their insecurities (which I have, also - but are a world apart from the experience of having very physiologically foreign anatomical development).

While I know that top surgery, for example,can be my reality in the future - in the meantime it's a bit difficult.

My patience meter has been tapped out and is bubbling over. It's like a race against time, trying to cope with this struggle against my inner self while working towards a solution.

For men who are inflicted with a condition called Gynecomastia (male breast development) which I'd argue sounds physiologically identical to what happened to me when puberty hit

"Males who develop gynecomastia at a young age may become self-conscious and dissatisfied with their bodies. This lack of self-esteem can have long-lasting psychological consequences. Males who develop gynecomastia at a later age generally cope better with the condition, as their self-image has already been established to some degree. However, these men may feel embarrassed or self-conscious about taking their shirt off or even wearing certain clothes. Either way, gynecomastia can be damaging to the psyche, and many men would like to alleviate the condition."

And my psyche is, indeed, struggling. In some ways, I regret not doing something about this sooner. Regret waiting until I'd for sure exhausted all other possibilities and coping mechanisms before opting for something as invasive and risky as hormones and surgery. But, that whole time I definitely ignored my mental well-being, and let it go for a lot longer than I should have.

On the plus side, this isn't the 1700s. Because, if it was, I'm 100% confident that I would've sold my rag tag trinkets and my uncle's virgin daughter for a rusty old saw to take care of things myself. The fact that surgical options exist, hormone treatment, etc., definitely goes a long way in helping my psyche and lessening the sense of hopelessness that hits from time to time. Even if it's seemingly impossible to afford right now, it can and will happen!

p.s. on another note, I intend to do some more viddy/photo updates, but my foster pup Petey nibbled apart my camera cord whilst I wasn't looking! Oooo! This will soon be remedied.

Bi-Sexuality 101

I attended a "Bi-Sexuality 101" panel discussion last night that was oodles of interesting for me. Apparently January is Bi-Sexuality Awareness Month AND, to boot, apparently Bi Utah are the chumps who came up with it - meaning that Utah is the first state in the nation to have a Bi-Sexuality Awareness Month.

That's pretty dern' spiffy if I do say so myself.

A significant portion of the panel addressed a list of Bi-Sexuality Myths, like the myth that all bi-sexuals are promiscuous, or that if a bi-sexual is with a male they will inevitably leave them for a female at some point or have to be with both at the same time and yada yada, so on and so forth.

Various panel members shared their experiences with discrimination, with feeling "invisible", being misunderstood by people within and outside of the LGBQT community, with feeling disconnected from a sense of community or unwelcome altogether, etc.

I was most interested, of course, in the whole gender component. Being a tranny n' all, I just can't help myself! I ended up floating around quite a bit in my own noggin pondering over how gender relates to sexual orientation and how both relate to my perspectives on the world as a whole.

As I've rambled on about in previous posts, since I believe that there are almost as many genders as there are people in the world and I'm technically a gender AND sex separate from "cisgender male" or "cisgender woman", I think that the way all sexual orientations are traditionally defined in a gender-specific fashion doesn't, well... always work. And will work less and less over time.

I mean, with my own gender I am not a woman but the body I possess has many female-bodied aspects to it. Am I a man? In my own view, yes. A dashing, smooth mofo trans man!

But I don't assume that I can share all experiences that women experience, or men. And the same goes for traditionally gendered people. Like how I'm highly doubting that Pamela Anderson's gender is exactly the same as Rosie O' Donnell's; or Jason Alexander, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or RuPaul (all "men"). Stupid analogies in an attempt to illustrate a point. Trying. It hurts. Or hey! Not to mention that there are a whole slew of women who are more "masculine" than I am (in traditional terms), but there are a slew of men who are more "feminine", and relate to their bodies in a vast variety of ways, biologically, intrinsically, socially, etc.




As Julie Waters phrased it back in an article she wrote in 1992 called 'On Gender and Sexual Orientation',

So what am I? To classify me as "in-between" indicates that my gender is relevant only in terms that relate to more traditionally gendered people. I am not gendered in the same manner as anyone I know and I have to say that it has been my experience that this disturbs a great many people. The same way that people who are not heterosexual are seen and perceived as a threat by many people who are, those of us who are not gendered in a traditional mold may represent some great danger to those of us who are.

... What about people who have shown sexual interest specifically in me? If a lesbian is interested in a woman who has a penis is she still a lesbian? If a gay male is interested in a woman who wants to exchange her penis for a vagina is he still a gay male? Are we interested in the person behind the sex organs or are the sex organs our primary motivating force in determining to whom we are attracted? Do I, to be at a particular point on the Kinsey scale, have to demonstrate my interest in people in terms of how their appearance, actions and attitudes relate to their perceived gender? Their biological gender? Is sexual orientation constructed in a manner which even allows for such perspectives as my own?

So where is the room for she-males, hermaphrodites, drag queens, non-op transsexuals, transgenderists, crossdressers and all other forms of gender-benders, blenders and breakers in our "spectrum" of sexual orientation? Am I bisexual because I am interested both in men and women or am I bisexual because I am interested in the person behind the gender? Or is it some combination of the two? Does gender play a role but not one to the point where I would not be attracted to someone based specifically on their gender?

And that was in 1992! Talk about a progressive, super hot tranny babe! I love it! So here I come, bumbling along in 2009, almost 20 years later harping on down a similar path.

Bear with me while I think "out loud" with an idea here. It will be inarticulate. It will be ugly. It will be confusing. But you have been warned. Into the rocket ship I go.

Blast off!

SO, first off, why is sexual orientation defined ONLY by gender in the first place, for the most part, even though all of us, traditionally gendered or not, are much more than that? I mean, let's say that I tell you I'm "attracted to women". Okay, fine. But is that actually my criteria? So then someone approaches me, and my criteria is "woman", and therefore, "Ooo, you're a woman. Criteria met! Let's date!"

Nope, uh, doesn't quite go that way. That's silly. Not for me, anyway. Actually, it seems more accurate to say that gender is a "component" of my overall, complex sexual orientation via a consistent pattern. That my own, particular sexual orientation is a combination of various "components", all equally important.

For example, I'd say that this may be more accurate: femininity would be a component. Mannerisms, also. Certain aesthetic characteristics. Beliefs, big time. Voice, even. Interests.

Why aren't those all just as legitimate as an individual's sex? Or gender?

So instead of, "You are woman.", check! Done deal! Let's be together forever! Instead it's, "Let's get to know one another, because YES, your gender expression does seem to play a PART, but there's much more to it than that."

Is it possible that there are people who have sexual orientations where gender isn't even a component of their particular sexual orientation? Why wouldn't it be? Or maybe gender is, but it isn't sex-dependent, or exclusive of any particular gender identity.

I'm not surprised that the infamous Kinsey Scale determined that the overwhelming majority of the thousands of people who participated in the study were technically "bi-sexual". I wonder what that really, genuinely means about the variation that exists in our pluralistic wonderland.

It was later asked why those on the panel who were careful not to say "both genders" and instead "all genders" identified as "bi", which implies there are only two genders, even though they may actually, technically be pansexual. Some responded that it was for political reasons, because "bi-sexual" has been an abused, misunderstood term for quite some time and it's much more prevalent in the world of language than "pansexual", which would just be confusing and foreign to most.

Or, for others, they explained additionally that "bi-sexual" can be an all-encompassing term, one that DOES include all expressions of gender.

Makes sense. I dig.

I will now crash land the rocket ship and stop my convoluted ranting and raving.

Wait! No! I lied! I know, for now, that I'm MUCH more comfortable with saying "queer" in terms of sexual orientation because it isn't gender-dependent, like saying "straight" (reflecting gender on both sides - I am a man attracted to woman, or vice versa). It's just, really uncomfortable and weird for me to go from being seen as a flaming homo to "straight" just because my appearance is changing. My sexual orientation hasn't changed OR my gender identity (trans guy, genderqueer), I'm just hairier and stinkier.

Okay, now the rocket ship has actually landed.

Foster Puppy Puck!

I dropped him and Thebe (my foster puppies) off at the No More Homeless Pets kennel last night to be on a "we're looking for homes" TV bonanza til' Wednesday. Despite my severe case of empty nest syndrome waking up this morning to silence instead of the sounds of excited puppies, I hope they find homes from this. They've been struggling a bit due to being pitbull mixes and the misconceptions people have about that, so this should help!

Little baby Puck, who has the most cuddly shy temperament ever!

 

Tom, Your Neighborhood Citizen Lobbyist

Oh I feel mushy. I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks now due to the locker room discomfort fiasco. Since no longer using the womens locker room I've been in a state of gym limbo, where I developed a temporarily satisfactory go-to-gym-IN-gym-outfit plan. But, that plan requires either good weather or a gym buddy.

In good weather, I can just scoot or bicycle down IN my nifty gym outfit. In bad weather, I have to dress all warm or winter bicycling special, so having somewhere to change becomes important - or at the least having somewhere to put my stuff. And that's when a gym buddy comes in handy and takes my crap into a locker room for me.

So, alas, it has become a huge crippling inconvenience not using a locker room. I don't feel "right", comfortable, or even safe in either one. In the womens I was becoming more and more of an apparent "threat".

I have walked into the mens locker room twice now - once with my dad - and only made it as far as the restroom and back out with my heart thudding in my chest.

NOT having a locker room to go to at the gym - or somewhere to safely change there - is a big pickle.

I keep meaning to bring myself to get the manager's attention and talk to him privately about my situation and if they have a restroom somewhere I could use to change, but every time I get close to doing so, he's either darting around looking busy or surrounded by other employees. I haven't gotten up the nerve yet, which is surprising to me.

On one level, it's important to me to be an open and out trans person. To demystify the whole shindig a bit and also help make situations like this more accommodating and safe for other trans folk. I also have the right like any other gym-goer to have access to a safe locker room (like how I no longer use the womens because the vast majority were feeling unsafe and had a lot of issues with my being in there), and I'm pretty sure that he would react well. And, if he didn't, I could throw a polite stink about it.

BUT, since I haven't been able to talk to him yet, I've been making preparations to work out from home. Which, despite being a more lonesome work out endeavor, is actually pretty enticing to me.

I got this work-out-from-home-plan P90X shindig from all the ranting and raving about it in an online FTM community I'm a member of and, once I get some dumbbells, will go all out with it. I'll see AMAZING results, just like this guy!

It will actually be good for me. I just have absolutely no idea about what work outs can even be done for home, so any amount of direction will help. I already have a little pull-up bar, some resistance bands, AND I will definitely work out in nothing but my underwear to entirely celebrate a perk of working out from home.

Then instead of being dependent on the gym I will depend day-to-day on working out from home where I feel comfortable and safe, then go to the gym when a friend or parent goes. And, eventually, talk to the manager.

Boo-ya! Flawless!

Earlier tonight I went to Equality Utah's Citizen Lobbyist training up at the Capital. It was a pain to find since my friend and I had absolutely no idea where the auditorium was located (we were wandering around in the wrong building for about 10 minutes - and bumped into three other people who were also lost). We had bicycled up and, whatdoyaknow, entered through the front entrance. Right smack into some privately reserved wedding reception.

Eventually and after many round-a-bout circles we found an open door that led to a hallway that led to a cracked door with the lights open. I knocked and a guy inside said, "Come in." Boom! Some poor lone senator who happened to be working late's office. I asked, "Oh, I apologize sir, but do you know where the auditorium is?", "You're in the wrong building!". Brief instructions ensued and, about 10 minutes later and gaining access to "employee-only" entrances from buzzing in and whining that we were trying to find the auditorium finally found it.

I suspect that people driving cars went a different route and through a different entrance.

Whining aside, all the strenuous hunting paid off. Like the magical logic of demystifying trannies, 90% of the training focused on demystifying our representatives and lobbying. A lot of reminders that "They're just people. Farmers. Single moms. Business owners. Don't be intimidated!", and pounding in that friendly e-mailing, letter writing and meeting face-to-face to share how certain bills or issues personally affect you are frequently brought up by the representatives as real-life examples on the floor and peer-to-peer.

It was encouraging and insightful.

On a side note, earlier today when I called about changing my cell phone plan the guy on the other end read my voice as male. For a little over two months now I've noticed that when speaking to strangers the whole gender thing has been avoided until they pull up account information with the name "Melanie", then it's "Miss" galore. BUT today, despite pulling up my account number, it was "Sir" and "Mister".

Speaking of phone-related situations, a few weeks ago my brother and I went to one of my phone provider's offices to get some bidness done. They had a system there where you enter, input your name in to a little computer, then a monitor displays the line order, and I was 2nd in line.

So my name comes up and a large male employee goes, "Mel Thomas, you're up!". My brother walks up with me and the whole time this employee is calling me "Boss", "Sir", "Dude". Masculine language galore. He gets my account information then, immediately, his brow furrows and he asks, confused, "Who's Melanie?". Dun dun dun. And I reply, "Oh, that's me. Weird name, I know." ... I had no idea how he read the situation, but he eased up and replied, "Yeah, definitely. So what can I do for you today boss?", and the masculine pronouns continued. So, despite my feminine name, I was still read as male. Just a male with sick-humored parents who was likely picked on a lot in school. Not too far from the truth. Woot!

Plus, when using my debit card 9 times out of 10 the person using it thinks that my last name, Thomas, is my first name. So I'm getting "Tom" a whole lot. Which works, I suppose. Why not.

A whole lotta cruel & unusual

Between nurturing these puppies back to health, freelancing, and hunting for a part-time job my blog has taken a mega-negligent slam, right in the pecker.

Speaking of puppies and since they consume about 89.6% of my day-to-day existence currently, they went to adoptions for the first time this weekend.

One of the three - Petey - got adopted immediately, Saturday morning. I suspect his swift scoop up has something to do with his being the least pitbull-looking of the three.

It's as though there are worms in their poop that have contaminated my brain and turned me into a walking, talking puppy-controlled puppet. I guess this could be called a paternal instinct of some sort, but I prefer my sucker worm theory.

And no matter how much I foster, it never gets easier. I always end up bonding and falling in love and my brain starts to try to trick me with little snippets like, "This is your little soul mate dog..." that I have to actively combat with thinking about the fostering task at hand.

Then I remind myself that I can be a good home for a pup one day when my situation is more stable and I will be the world's best most spoiling guardian eva.

Like with these puppies, they came from the shelter where they had no chance of surviving it. Their mom was stressed and not bonded or nursing. They were full of worms, underweight. Two of the original five had passed away already, leaving the three I took in. And, through turning my upstairs into a sweltering puppy incubator and putting my roommates through hell, they are now big fat healthy playful love-to-chew monsters that frequently get the hiccups and would look adorable in diapers.

And if I'd adopted the other little animals I've fostered, there would've been no room for them! So see, pep talks like this help.

Today Puck and Thebe went on their very first walk! They made it half a block before they just wanted to play and try to rip off one another's coats. It's a start to real dog'hood.

Cruel & Unusual Documentary

In other news, I recently watched a documentary called Cruel & Unusual that I stumbled across at the library:

This documentary is an unflinching examination of transgender women in men's prisons. Five individuals describe their experiences undergoing inhumane and humiliating treatment including rape, violence, solitary confinement and denial of medical care.

It was pretty heart-wrenching and unimaginable, what the women in the documentary had endured. There was one named Anna who was on hormone therapy before being incarcerated, where she was refused treatment and put in solitary confinement (to protect her; but also isolated her from human interaction for years). She attempted suicide.

Another woman castrated herself while in there. In my own experience, without testosterone my body betrays my mind's physiological map and the "damage" is unbearable. And that would be nothing in comparison to a trans woman's experience, especially in a terrifying prison full of men. As the documentary puts it,

Once an individual begins estrogen treatment, their body stops hormone production altogether, which is akin to denying a woman hormones after a hysterectomy. Coupled with the psychological effects of returning facial hair and losing breasts, transsexuality in prison becomes an untenable situation amidst the general terror of prison.

Even though the topic was infuriating, it was a good documentary that was also inspiring and informative.

And now that I'm back in my blogging groove (the puppies are healthy enough now to hang in their baby-proof crib while I bask in my freedom), I will post much more frequently. Tomorrow I intend to whine profusely about the gym. Oh joy!

Northern Utah #1 in Nation for Worst Air

On another note, the air here is killing me. My eyes are burning. My lungs feel strained when I walk outside. After bicycling I'm gasping, even after wearing my Sportsa Respro Mask (a mask I'd strongly recommend - it filters out city pollutants and I need new filters for it, pronto. Without it, it feels like there are a thousand needles in my lungs).

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

Northern Utah air worst in nation

The air quality in northern Utah was the worst in the nation Sunday, according to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

The news gets worse: The dirty soup isn't expected to lift until mid-week, according to regulators and forecasters.

Sunday was a red-air quality day in every county the Division of Air Quality monitors. They include Salt Lake, Davis, Utah, Weber and Cache counties. And air quality for today and Tuesday is predicted to be the same. Read More >

According to the Environmental Protection Agency, between 2001 and 2005 Salt Lake City averaged 29 days a year with an "unhealthy" rating on the Air Quality Index--the level that's considered potentially harmful to the entire population, not just those with respiratory issues. And now, 5 years later, it's become worse (because the beautiful mountains here "trap" the pollution in; referred to as a "soup bowl").

The EPA measures six major pollutants: ground-level ozone, nitrogen dioxide, sulfur dioxide, carbon monoxide, lead and particulate matter or soot, much of which comes from cars. The effects of most pollutants are transient; get out of the bad air and you'll rapidly improve. Not so with ultrafine particles, defined as those less than 2.5 microns in diameter, which have a cumulative effect. According to John Balbus, M.D., chief health scientist for the Environmental Defense Fund, the known carcinogens in these particles can pass through the alveoli, the sacs in our lungs that filter toxins, and straight into the bloodstream. According to the Natural Resources Defense Council, as many as 64,000 people a year in the United States die prematurely of causes that are related to air pollution.

There's something absurd about a world where walking and bicycling are a health hazard. I guess the best I can do is to continue doing my best not to contribute to it, and harp on and on about anti-pollution Respro masks. Who make safety look so chic!