Adrian the FTM Hotty

Geez, I've been out of commission for about a week now due to a spinal disc herniation I got back in the day at the wee year o' 17 when a car going over 35mph hit me smack dab on the right hip.

It kicks in about once or twice a year. When it kicks, it means that I can't walk for a few days. Then I progress to hobbling about with a pimp cane. Then to shuffling around. THEN, at last, about a week later, I'm all better to do idiotic stuff like referenced in the prior post (which, by the by, was NOT how my herniated disc swelled up! Take note of my supremely awesome posture. Supremely awesome posture ='s happy disc. It got irritated when I sat up improperly by mistake. The consequences are dire.)

Anyhoo, today I'm back in action: sitting upright, walking around, scooting, bicycling, urinating standing up, AND using my laptop!

While down for the count, I got a lot of reading accomplished. One thing I stumbled across was an article in Bizarre Magazine about a female-to-male transsexual named Adrian.

When explaining my own transition and how I see it as separate from masculinity/femininity or gender altogether, the response is usually a confused one. It's generally understood, it seems, that there's female-to-male and male-to-female, simple said and done. The language available (FTM and MTF, for example) are limited to that gender notion, even, but it's unfortunately the most clear, yet inaccurate for some, way to explain it.

I elaborate that, for me, there's a physiological disconnect where a part of my mind is wholeheartedly convinced that I'm mapped for two arms, two legs, one head, a hairy breast-less chest, stubble, bad odor, and a bob dole to boot. Anything that violates this maps' delicate outline causes it to short-circuit in a deep area of my noggin that's impossible to ignore and takes a huge, indescribable toll on one's self-esteem and ability to function.

I think of Ru Paul, for example, who is presumably comfortable with his anatomy; yet he's feminine and loves being colorful n' glittery n' flamboyant.

I think of numerous women who are comfortable with their anatomy and who love being a lot less colorful, glitter-less, and entirely masculine.

I think of most people who are shades of masculine and feminine, exhibited to different extents at different times in different scenarios. People who are men (from Ru Paul to Bruce Willis), women, intersex, transsexual...

What a world, what a world - especially when that whole tolerant tidbit comes creeping in and we allow it.

People are constantly summing up how well I "pass" mostly by how masculine I act or appear. The definition of man - the assumption that I even have the desire to be masculine. It even seems like my level of masculinity legitimizes me as a trans person, for some.

When, for me, the only reason to "pass" is for safety. Admittedly, it's interesting to experience new gendered social interactions and to navigate in the world through an increasingly different lens - but all I really, honestly care about is getting progressively closer to experiencing a connection with my body. To soothe that physiological nook, irrelevant to how that's perceived by others or how my gender identity is translated.

And so this Adrian rolls along. This female-to-male transsexual who's flamboyant and make-up purdy ridden to all hell. He's in Bizarre Magazine because he's entirely confusing to a lot of people, I'm sure. But to me? He makes a whole lotta sense. And I love how, despite the fact that he doesn't fit into the masculine mold, he's honest enough with himself to transition for his own reasons and to be his happy, gorgeous, awesome self - however that manifests.