Mood n' Almost-Honking

Gadz, my mood was hitting some pretty wonky levels for a little bit there. Prior to transitioning, I'd heard warnings and tales of erratic mood associated with testosterone. The most I'd experienced was an increase in sensitivity a couple of days prior to my injection day. Then the beginning of May came rolling around. Next thing I knew, I started having dramatic mood shifts. I'd feel fine, then kaBam! plummet into a sordid world of low-ville. Unprecedented lows filled with self-destructive thoughts that were easily triggered. Thoughts that had never popped into my noggin before.

These mood plummets were hitting hard and too-frequent-for-comfort throughout May, then surfaced in little increments throughout the first couple weeks of June. Since then my mood has been stable and manageable, but I was getting concerned for a bit there. I'd had low moods before starting T, but not so frequent or - more importantly - as low and extreme.

I started to diligently research the shit out of other injection methods, like potentially switching to using transdermal testosterone instead (delivery through the skin by the use of a patch, gel, or cream). According to Hudson's FTM Resource Guide:

Transdermal testosterone is usually applied to the skin daily in small doses in an effort to keep a steady level of testosterone in the system at all times. This approach avoids the "peaks and valleys" in T-levels sometimes associated with injectable testosterone. With injectables, T levels can reach a low-point a few days before the next shot is due, which can cause irritability, hot flashes, and low energy in some users. Daily transdermal application can help alleviate such problems. Indeed, some trans men who regularly use injectable testosterone sometimes supplement with a gel or patch during the last few days of their dosing cycle to maintain their T levels.

Tomorrow is my injection day (woo!) and even though I've been feeling lethargic Tuesday and today, I haven't been feeling moody. Whew.

In other news, today I almost did the most taboo of all do-not-do of things to do! It happened in a brief moment, subconsciously. Fortunate for me, I stopped myself right in the knick of time.

And here goes the tale of deep, almost-happened shame.

While scooting along earlier today I spotted a woman peddling along on her bicycle heading the opposite direction. I instantaneously felt excited about the visual before me: her adorable bicycle, her hair blowing in the wind, her dress, the whole flower child earth lovin' ambiance.

I'm not quite sure how to explain what almost happened next. Even when I reflect on it I can't figure out the rhyme or reason. But, well... my thumb immediately went down to my scooter horn and, right as I was about to honk it and smile, I stopped myself.

The intent was something along the lines of wanting to communicate to her that she rocked for being on that bicycle and looked beautiful. Or, not even communicating necessarily, but maybe because I felt so excited by the visual going on before me - or.. gadz, something.



The thing is, I know better! There are always "those guys", the notorious, who honk at women walking down the street. It never happened to me, but it constantly happens to my more feminine friends (mostly cisgender or trans women who complain about the hoots and honks from schmucks in vehiculars), who all consider it a form of obnoxious harassment. They just want to travel from here to there in peace.

I was almost one of "those guys". On a scooter, at least, which might've been somewhat less threatening or redeeming? Probably not. I'm hoping that it was more of a reflex because I bicycle all over the place and - while I meep! meep! at other people on scooters - when I'm on a bicycle I bing bing! at other people on bicycles. Even though I was in scooter land, maybe, just maybe, I was subconsciously via habit in another-person-on-a-bicycle-land. Or maybe I'm used to being non-threatening in appearance (i.e. another female) and I'm adjusting to morphing into threatening land. Or maybe I was just in douchy guy land. Either way I caught myself - realizing that she'd just hear yet another honk from some annoying dude passing by while she just wants to peddle from here to there.

Way too close for comfort.