Transitioning

A few months ago I finally decided that I should start seeing a counselor in order to primarily focus on what to do about being a frickin' tranny. For as long as I can remember I've been entirely physiologically disconnected from how my body started to develop throughout my teens. It's a silly and super simplified analogy, but it's like I hit puberty and suddenly a 3rd arm started to grow from my torso and two extra eye balls grew into my head - meanwhile, my brain is mapped for 2 arms and 2 eyeballs. No matter what I do mentally to adjust to that 3rd arm or those 2 extra eyeballs, my brain just won't get over feeling like it's all foreign and agonizing and doesn't belong. So, back to reality and away from my silly and simplified sci-fi analogy, with my body, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. Sacks of fat dangling from my sternum, no dick where there's supposed to be one. Rationally, my body is awesome. But, physiologically, it's foreign and bizarre. Over time, this has been taking a huge toll on my self-esteem, on my ability to have intimate relationships, to even look at myself in the mirror.

So, I cracked. I got over my nonsensical pride issues and went in to start seeing a counselor. Through this, I ended up deciding that I've exhausted my mental mechanisms and have decided to start taking Testosterone in order to get my body to a place where my mind can "connect" with it. And, I developed an awesome "transitioning plan" for myself that seems incredibly realistic, and something that can really work... and won't require taking T forever. Here's the dealio. I want to take it just long enough that I feel like I've achieved an "equilibrium" of sorts with my physiology, then transition to more natural methods for the rest of my life. Top surgery, no hysterectomy or ovary removal. I'm excited. I think it can work.

To my knowledge, most FTMs I've heard of take T forever, despite the health risks that vary for each individual. Some guys end up having to stop taking it later on due to liver damage or whatever else. It's advised that within the first 3-5 years you should have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy, otherwise the ovaries, theoretically, could develop similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) (And PCOS has been linked to increased risk of endometrial hyperplasia, and thus endometrial cancer, as well as ovarian cancer.) Then, if an individual has these surgeries, then taking T becomes more essential, otherwise the body goes into a menopausal state and can't produce estrogen or testosterone on its own, which then leads to bone problems. Since I'm this super drug-free nut and just can't stand the thought of hurting my poor body more than I have to, deciding to take T wasn't a decision I made lightly. It's this battle between my mental health and my physical health... but, here's my plan. My devious, just-might-work plan.

I'll take T for about 4 years, depending, and have chest reconstructive surgery within the next 2 years. At that point through taking T I'll have some secondary sex characteristics. For example, thickening of the vocal cords and deepening of the voice, facial hair growth, increased body hair growth, increased body musculature, cessation of menses, migration of body fat, increased sex drive, etc. Some of these will be irreversible. At this point I could stop taking T, then adopt other methods to help out with the factors that are reversible. I could continue working out, placing emphasis on certain "feminine" areas to keep my body as straight as possible. I could take a number of pills that will more naturally affect my physique, like perhaps a body fat reducer called Hydroxycut, B Complex pills, magnesium, zinc, multivitamins, flax seed oil, CLA, ZMA, etc. I'll figger it out. I think this could work.

For me, this doesn't have much to do with gender, or how anyone perceives my gender. Still, in regards to gender since it comes up, I don't identify as a "woman" now, or a "man", and never will. I think the gender binary thing is silly and those aren't the only gender options that exist. We have a lot of options! I feel much more comfortable with genderqueer. It's great. It seems like a lot of FTMs who transition are stuck in that binary (just to clarify, I don't have any problems with someone identifying as male or female, or consider it inferior in any way. I just enjoy the acknowledgment of other options and gender identities), so when they transition, there's only one way to do it and I just don't believe that - that I HAVE to follow these steps, that I HAVE to take T forever, because I'm not a "real man" without it. There has to be another way. More options. More ways to transition, to bridge that disconnect. It's not my body's fault that my mind doesn't relate to it. They went down opposite paths and I'm going to help them meet in the middle. And shake hands. And hug. With as little risk as possible. I like my plan so far.

ps: my first T injection was on the 11th. I just had my prescription filled that will last me for the next 6 months - 100mg of Testosterone Cypionate every 2 weeks, injection via a 25g syringe into any muscle. So far I've noticed increased activity in my oil glands. I have to shower more often. Boo.