Heat, heat, and more heat

Time to whine, moan, and complain a tad. My whimpering note of the day? 100 degrees of summer heat combined with binding. Holy shit miserable hot diggity damn.

I have been wearing the Underwork's Double Front Compression Shirt (Model 997) as my primary summer binder. It is the lightest, by far. It's comfortable to all hell and it binds so well without restricting my breathing that I can wear it with my lightest, transparent white shirts.

But, because it covers my entire frickin' torso my skin underneath doesn't get a lot of air (especially necessary when bicycling!), so on occasion I'll wear the zip-up T-Kingdom 801. But, alas, it doesn't bind as snug as I'd prefer, so I end up wearing a loose button-up or t-shirt over it. And as the day progresses it gets looser and binds less and less effectively, so I generally end up switching between the two.

The other ones I own are just, miserably awful when it comes to heat.

Just the other night, for example, I tried my old winter binding method that I blogged about back in the day, with the T-Kingdom M801 zipped OVER my comfortable cotton Underworks Style 974 binder. As a summer binding method? No way. After only an hour I was coated in sweat. The tip of my nose became a drippy salt faucet.

The second I got home I ripped the things off and threw on the T-Kingdom M801 combined with a very loose button-up. Which give me the appearance of morbid obesity - which, well, is fine. 70% of the time.

Exerting myself when it's this hot just, sucks. My forms of transportation are my feet and/or bicycling, so exposure to the uber heat is a get around and aboot necessity. And the exercise is good for me, but just... jebus hewey christ. Seriously.

I did stumble across a solution of sorts, however! A week ago I peddled to a diner to meet my family for brunch. This was a peddling excursion I'd done numerous times last summer, no problem. This time? Even 30 minutes after being in the air-conditioned diner, I was still sweating, red, and not cooling down. I tried putting ice on my neck, to no avail. Eventually I cooled down, somewhat - but after witnessing this pathetic endeavor an idea of pure genius occurred to my parents.

See, my dad has been cycling in a spandy bike jersey for years. Even after my ten years of cycling it never dawned on me that a cycling jersey would be worth much benefit. I also assumed that all cycling jerseys were obscenely tight, which, for a binding tranny, does NOT sound appealing.

So when they took me to REI to get my first ever nifty cycling jersey, I felt spoiled to all hell. I tried some on and picked one out. The Cannondale Caffeine jersey:

• Soft, stretchy fabric blend moves moisture to the outside of the garment for fast evaporation
• 6.5 in. front zipper allows on-the-go ventilation
• Casual style is appropriate for both the beater and the ''good bike"
• Single rear zippered pocket secures a few essentials
• Traditional collar with classic stand-up neck band
• Relaxed athletic fit for freedom of movement

It's not tight at all. And combined with a binder, instead of having it desperately try to wick my sweat away and then being trapped in a hot ass cotton exterior I have two layers of ventilation! Genius! The black color of it is the genius loophole in this whole fiasco but, I haven't actually noticed a problem. I'm betting a lighter color would be even better but, this is definitely 85.6 x's better than the non-cycling-shirt crap, for sure.

Speaking of heat, just a couple of weeks ago my roommate, parents and I saw this truck in the parking lot of a nearby grocery store in 90+ heat. The windows were completely rolled down, so at least their guardian was trying... but, in no time at all, both of the little dogs jumped out of the car. One darted around the parking lot while the other ran IN to the store.

I ran in and asked the employees to announce that dogs were running about, and fortunately the guardian came out to scoop them up.

His solution? To put them back in to his truck, roll the windows up leaving a few inches, and go back inside to resume shopping. I stopped him and asked if he had leashes or something to tie them up outside and he replied, "I'm only going to be a few minutes.", and continued on his way.

I understand that he was likely frazzled and in a hurry, but... gadz, it's the worst, dogs in cars on hot days - which are essentially ovens acting like a greenhouse, trapping the sun's heat. Even after just a "few minutes" his truck would become a death trap even if it was a mild sunny day--where the car's temperature would incrementally rise to well above 120 degrees.

Fortunately, that kind of crap is illegal here in Salt Lake City, so we called the police. And, to my relief, they took it seriously. The guy wasn't just a "few minutes", as he claimed. But in less than 10 minutes two police cruisers pulled up to his truck, got him out of the store, and I overheard the officer telling him, "Sir, on a day like this in less than ten minutes the temperature in your vehicle can rise to 130 degrees.". It wasn't a joke or a slap on the wrist. They were pissed, responded, and treated it like the serious issue that it was.

20 points for team police, who have a debt of about 300 points... so, now they're at -280. Which is progress!

Then, just last week while getting said bicycle jersey, we noticed another pup trapped in a car in the parking lot with the windows rolled all the way up. Then, upon closer inspection, I heard the car's engine running. And saw the pup's fur blowing around. They had their A/C on while they ran in to REI. So.damn.cute. And, while our pup was tied up in the shade outside, someone had given him a plastic bowl of water. Awww!

Miss Teen USA 2007

Don't ever forget these inspiring words:

Some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as south Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help south Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.

Zzzzzzzzz

In general, this whole transition fiasco has affected my precious and oh-so-delicate sleep cycle. I mean, this was predictable. My body has been working over-time getting all hairy and packing on bulk. Still, being the savant that I am, I hadn't really given it much thought and it wasn't until a few weeks ago or so that it dawned on me:

I require more sleep.

Who'd a thunk?

See, by the ripe ol' age of 26 my elderly ass had acclimated to 6-7 hours of sleep per night, no problem. Now? If I set an alarm for 6-7 hours away from nod off time, the next day I'm all grumbly and lethargic. Without an alarm? I sleep 8-10 hours. And the closer it gets to my next injection day, that teeters closer to the 10-hour side of the scale as my hormone supply dwindles off into metabolized bye bye land.

And, no matter how tired I am, I can't for the life of me fall asleep until midnight or so.

Thing is, teenage boys are notorious for over-sleeping. And not too long ago researchers discovered an internal biological clock, a clock that sometimes acts against the sleep-wake cycle by keeping us alert when we should be feeling tired. A sleep researcher named Mary Carskadon and her chum Bill Dement had seen this biological clock in action when they tested a group of 10-12 year olds at Stanford. Dement wrote about these experiments:

"After centuries of assuming the longer we are awake, the sleepier we will become and the more we will tend to fall asleep, we were confronted by the surprising result that after 12 hours of being awake, the subjects were less sleepy than they had been earlier in the same day, and at the 10 o'clock test, after more than 14 hours of wakefulness had elapsed ...they were even less sleepy."

The researchers found that the biological clock opposed the sleep-wakefulness cycle at certain points of the day and at certain ages. People would stay awake even when they were very tired.

I can't help but wonder what happens to a 28-year-old tranny's biological clock when, essentially, teenage puberty kicks in all over again.

With all of this extra sleep my body is forcing upon me, I absolutely have to own this bear sack sleeping bag:

Seriously!!!

Plenty of room for my cats in there, for sure! Right in the mouth!

Speaking of sleep cycles, ever since my botched injection job last Thursday, I didn't feel my usual "peak" with energy, mood, etc. Instead, I've felt like I do during the last few days of my dosing cycle, when my T levels are at their lowest (T levels can reach a low-point a few days before the next shot is due, which can cause irritability and low energy).

It's this running on empty feeling, ... need... fuel... which has me worried that I did actually inject into a vein. Would that mean that the oil was not absorbed by muscle the way it was supposed to be? Wasting a shot is the least of my vein-injecting concerns. I hear terror rumors n' myths, like how the oil will travel in the bloodstream and straight to the heart! Dun dun dun! Which, I have no idea if that sort of thing is true or not, but I opt to repeat my doctor's reassuring words, "If you accidentally inject into a vein, don't worry..."

I could've just passed through a small vein while inserting the needle. Either way, right after it happened I applied pressure with a gauze pad, then after putting the bandage on I rubbed the muscle in a deep and circular motion to break up the “clump” of solution in the muscle and reduce knots and swelling.

I've considered doing another injection but, I'll just hang in there until my next injection date - the Thursday after tomorrow.

In other news, while locking up bicycles outside of a yum coffee shop with my pops the other day a neighbor we'd had all throughout growing up and who I most recently lived near just five years ago bumped into us. He was in a hurry to see someone, so we all swiftly exchanged enthusiastic hello's and how have you been's, and, as he left, he made sure to point at me and yell, "You look just like your sister!"

I wanted to yell after him, "I am my sister!", but.. let him go thinking that I was my dweeby brother.

Vein injection, gender change perks, n' school/health care whining!

I hit a vein yesterday during my bi-weekly injection for the first time since beginning hormones back in the days of ancient 2008. Everything was going to honky dory like butta plan until I removed the needle - and immediately a faucet of blood turned on and welled up from the injection site. Surprised, I immediately dabbed it with my little alcohol wipe, which was instantly soaked. The blood flowed down my thigh and dripped on to the floor until I was able to clean it up with a gauze pad. Once I had all of the blood soaked up, I noticed what appeared to be a partially swollen vein, and covered it with a bandage.

Ahhhh ha, so this is what it's like to hit a vein, I thought.

I would have been more anxious about this whole shindig, but I remember bringing this concern up with my doctor before injecting for the first time, even. She reassured me that I don't need to fret if it happens; that I wouldn't die and nothing horrible should happen.

My leg didn't hurt and I took the bandage off last night to discover that the vein was no longer swollen and was now a quarter-sized bruise.

Risk or no risk, I'm definitely going to be less lazy with future injections and won't skip the step to test if I'm in a vein or not before injecting:

After the needle has been inserted, aspirate by holding the barrel of the syringe steady with your nondominant hand and by pulling back on the plunger with your dominant hand. You’ll see some air bubbles in the testosterone. If there’s just air/clear fluid--no blood--then it’s ok to proceed. If there is blood either push the needle in or pull back a little and pull back on the plunger again, or pull the needle out and start over.

Oh the bane of becoming too comfortable after doing something every other week for a year and a half now. Which is bizarre in retrospect, because it was so terrifying to start in the first place.

In other news, this gender/name change shindig is much more refreshing than I had anticipated. Especially with all of the little things, like my last driver class last night where I wasn't worried that there would be a scene in front of this room of 20+ strangers when my gender didn't match, or if the instructor were to yell out, "Melanie!". Instead, he yelled out, "Dexter!", which not only feels comfortable, but it feels like a name that actually suits me. And, legally, all is well in terms of my preferred masculine pronouns!

Or how earlier in the day I was on campus for a meeting with Mcnair

side note: (On April 1st I wrote,

In other news, earlier today I completed the remainder of my application for the McNair Scholars program - which is a federally funded effort to increase the number of students from underrepresented groups who go on to graduate study. For me? That would be 1st-generation and low-income, and the program looks uber-beneficial!

and this meeting was like an interview process of sorts to see if, ultimately, I do become a Mcnair scholar. I have my fingers crossed!)

.. and I stopped to get a replacement student ID reflecting my new name. Behind the desk sat a girl and her three friends, slurping juices and enthusiastically watching a soccer game. While updating my information, she confirmed that my address would stay the same - yep! , then my name, and with the gender part didn't ask and instead said, "Not female..., check!", ... which, just a few weeks ago, I would've had to correct, "Oh, actually, female." - resulting in a slew of apologies, feminine pronouns, and awkward situation central. Nope! Not anymore! Boo-ya!

I can use my debit card with ease, and my I.D. doesn't cause brows to furrow and question my potentially fraudulent ways. It's strange. After living my entire life up until very recently experiencing a great deal of difficulty navigating the world as a gender-nonconforming person, little things like this are incredibly refreshing. Just getting around, using bathrooms, .. all of these things I don't, in the slightest, take for granted.

Frickin' spiffy slew of side perks next to physiologically connecting more n' more, it is.

In general, much is changing! With the mention of school, I will be starting soon - next month. It's been a while since I've been a student, so I feel all giddy-anxious about it, especially because I'm only in this school due to having a high GPA and a scholarship that is entirely dependent on being able to maintain a GPA above 3.8.

But, I feel anxious about not having health care right now. Lucky me, I discovered an insurance plan that corresponds with my college that could be affordable, unless I'm denied or if premiums would be hiked due to my trans "condition". Hoping for the best, though, so I'm applying for it tomorrow. If that goes through, that would relieve me of a huge amount of health/mental care anxiety!

Knowing of the potential risks associated with transition, I intentionally stopped going to school four years ago after knowing that the physiological torment would compromise my life and education in order to find a full-time job with benefits to do everything as safely as I knew how.

Since being laid off in 2009, I have been uninsured and have gone in to see my doctor only twice since when absolutely necessary to have my hormone levels tested (to make sure that I'm injecting the correct amount). Just those two visits, out of pocket, were a few hundred dollars each. I also stopped seeing my therapist.

The thing is, I'm due for getting my innards all checked out and have been rolling the dice with my health, obliviously hoping for the best. I don't feel comfortable relying on luck to neglect my health while trying to maintain honors in college, so I'm hoping that I'm approved for this student health insurance plan and that they won't dink me around for being trans.

I'm due soon for another pap test and pelvic exam, for example, which can identify pre-cancerous cells on the cervix in their early stages, in time for treatment. Thing is, there are physicians who recommend having a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus) and oophorectomy (surgical removal of the ovaries) within the first 5 years of starting testosterone therapy because there is some concern that long-term testosterone treatment may cause the ovaries to develop similar symptoms as those seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

And, according to Hudson's FTM Guide,

PCOS has been linked to increased risk of endometrial hyperplasia (a condition that occurs when the lining of the uterus (endometrium) grows too much) and thus endometrial cancer, as well as ovarian cancer.

Paying for that out of pocket, on top of what I already owe, does not sound fun. Especially while in impoverished student-must-prioritize-maintaining-honors-in-school-to-stay-in-there mode! Plus, last time I had that god awful test done, my doctor ended up injecting me with a slew of gorilla sedatives in order to essentially knock me unconscious so it could happen. I was down for the count, sleeping, for two days after. And I'm betting those VERY NECESSARY sedatives are damn expensive, too!

Which I want to be on top of, dag nabbit! I want to at least know what's going on in there and catch anything odd before, ya know, it's too late. Plus, there are a number of blood tests that are used to evaluate liver function, which is affected by the use of testosterone (which is metabolized in the liver), and I want to be able to have my doctor monitor my liver levels.

Plus little things like red blood cell production (testosterone has been shown to increase this, which can thicken the blood and impede its passage through small blood vessels and causing a number of potential health problems), cholesterol testing, blood pressure...

Gimme, gimme, gimme! I want my health care!

Finger crossing.

Speaking of health care and while I'm rambling and whining anyway, with top surgery, getting closer! $2,000 of it was going to come from my brother, who had to revoke it. Which brings my grand saved up total to $1555 instead of $3555, so I'm now looking into a loan potentially. I grow more impatient and poor with each new day!

I found this CareCredit, which I confirmed with my preferred surgeon, Dr. Charles Garramone, would be accepted for the surgery. Then I could get a loan for X amount (hopefully!), depending on how much I save by the appointment date, which I haven't scheduled yet. Soon, I'm hoping. Then I'll go rock climbing/backpacking/swimming/dating NUTS! A bonanza of chest liberated hairy belly freedom, 24/7!

A word's worth

Ivan Coyote on gender pronouns earlier today:

I have never cared too much about what you call me.

I’ve never been too hung up on labels, mostly because there are so few that stick properly to me, not to mention the fact that most adhesives give me a nasty rash. I can’t even tolerate a cheap band-aid.

Four decades of straddling the gender fence has taught me many things. I have learned to tolerate being called things that I really am not.

I have come to an uneasy truce with the fact that there are not really enough gender pronouns, boxes on government forms or safe bathroom stalls for people like myself.

Read more >

Dexter Flashing

Look what I got today: A new card from my bank reflecting my name change! I got to flash it earlier for a delicious refreshing iced beverage.

Posed by my equally enthusiastic kitties, Theseus "Kitten" Arkadash Thomas (calico, 4 years old) and Evilbunny Thomas (Wearing the tuxedo. 16 years old! I've had him since I was a wee 12 years of age):

No more debit card utilizing problems for me!

Related posts:
Tom, Your Neighborhood Citizen Lobbyist
The name change band-wagon